I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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