i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
