if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
