God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
