he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
