I feel great
I just peed on a car
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
