There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
