I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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