I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
