She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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