she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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