the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
