i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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