My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
