I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
