I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
