It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
