Operation Purity has been aborted
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
