So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
