my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
