I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
