he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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