if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
