I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
