Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
