life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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