I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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