I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
