Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
