just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
