I think my fart just growled at me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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