glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
