New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
