fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
