The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
