guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
