I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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