He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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