I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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