i already hear my dad disowning me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
