his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
