I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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