FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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