nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
