All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
