1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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