Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
