does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
