"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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