nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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