my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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