My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
